Shadow Footprints

In February last year I realised I had a blog post to write about this. Finally I've done it.

Several years ago I chose to give up feeling guilty over my actions. Growing up I often felt guilty; I'd say I was made to feel guilty, but it is something we can consciously choose not to feel, so it's wrong to say you are made to feel guilty.

Guilt is something you feel when you know or thing you have hurt someone, either through action or inaction.

Neurotic guilt, that is guilt that cannot receive forgiveness, tends to be vague and pervasive. It responds to the slightest provocation, often becoming preoccupied with self-condemnation and self-punishment.

To develop a healthy guilt response, you must challenge your irrational internalized do's and don't, thus developing a more rational and flexible conscience, a right attitude to failure, and the courage to take responsibility for mistakes without engaging in self-punishment.

To deal with guilt you need to look back on your actions. Decide if it is something you would do again in the same circumstances or not. If it is something that you would do again then you must accept that it is a part of yourself. You should not feel guilty for doing things within your nature.

If, in hindsight, you regret your actions, you will not want to repeat them. Think about how you would have preferred to do something, and next time you will have a better chance of having a better outcome. If you cannot see a way of doing better then accept your actions and refer to the preceding paragraph. Either way you have learnt and can move on.

Inaction may be the biggest form of action.
-- Jerry Brown

Sometimes there is a choice between two actions, neither of which is a desirable action, and you would choose a third option if available. Whatever you choose to do still fits the above, that you would choose the same thing again as the alternative was worse, or that you wish you had chosen the alternative. Either way you have thought about your actions and can move on. You can always choose to make amends.

In either situation you can choose to make amends. This is a separate action, and if it's something you don't want to do then accept that. Making amends can remove some of the feelings of guilt, especially if it's something you would do again and again. Your guilt may simply exist because you have not chosen to make amends.

Sometimes acknowledging the things you feel guilty about is enough to make amends. If you are too proud to admit that you screwed up you can simply aggravate your feelings of guilt, especially if you keep getting reminded, intentionally or not, of your actions.

One consequence of making amends may be that you upset someone else, because he feels guilty in his own way. His way of dealing with feelings of guilt may be to push others away, and your repeated attempts to make amends keep him reacting to his own feelings of guilt. Either way, you're doing this in an attempt to improve things, so just decide whether or not you would do the same thing again.

It really doesn't matter if the person who hurt you deserves to be forgiven. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. You have things to do and you want to move on.
-- Real Live Preacher

Forgiveness can be a solution to guilt. My mother never forgave anyone, and I think it made her quite bitter at a lot of things. I did not want to be like that.

When I lived in Edinburgh I realised that the act of forgiving someone was what I needed to do for myself. I was angry at some of the actions of my brother, and how he was hurting people I knew. He didn't know I was angry so there was no point me telling him I'd forgiven him. All that would do was lead to conflict. He was doing what he needed to do at the time. I forgave him for myself. Now we have a good relationship.

I've found that by knowing the situation, and analysing it, (I can't stop analysing things, it's what I do), it becomes easier to forgive someone; even for actions you are not supposed to be aware of. It's also possible to forgive someone for their actions when they react to unacknowledged guilt.

Sometimes one refuses to acknowledge events he feels really guilty about, even though I find it easy to understand why he would do that, and with understanding comes forgiveness.

I find I have a great capacity for forgiveness. It's easier for me to forgive someone I care about, or someone who makes an effort to make amends. It's most difficult for someone I don't particularly care about but whom I must interact regularly with and who continues to repeat their actions. The severity of someone's actions influences forgiveness. I'm sure one day I will forgive Tineke Vlooswyk, who was the flatmate of mine who moved to Australia deliberately leaving me with unpaid bills.

Here's another view, dealing with Guilt and Shame.

Addendum: I realise that you can be suffering from guilt and not ready to accept or even acknowledge forgiveness.